January 28, 2014

Talk To You Tuesday: I Hope You Know How Much I Miss You

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Hi everyone!  I've decided I'm going to do a "talk it out day" every once in awhile.  Usually on Tuesdays, not necessarily every week.  This will be the first of those days.  I'm going to show you polish first, however, since that's what you came for!  If you don't want to read the rest, feel free not to. :) 

My mani goes along perfectly with this weeks topic.  I'm wearing Mint Flavor and I Miss You, both from Rainbow Honey.  I love them!  

I Miss You has pastel glitters of all shapes, including butterflies and hearts.  There are also medium sized hot pink matte square glitters.  This combo totally tugs at my heart!  

Now, for those of you sticking around.  This has been a trying week for me.  In my life, I've experienced tremendous amounts of loss, and it all kind of seems to be coming back at me right now. For the most part, I try to keep my head up.  I am generally happy.  I have great friends.  Even though I don't have much money, I love my "job" and the family I work for.  Most of the time.  lol  Sometimes, though, it just gets to be too much.  I can be triggered by nothing, or I can handle loads of things in stride.  This is one of those times that I just can't get my mind off things.

I think it all started last week with the news that a dear friend of mine is going to be out of contact for an extended period.  I won't say I talk to him everyday, or sometimes even a lot, but when I do I can spill out all of the things that I'm having trouble with.  I have other friends I can do that with, but he tells me exactly how it is.  Not what I want to hear, not even what I think I need to hear, but the un-coated, harsh truth.  Usually, it changes my whole day and I can move on from whatever is bugging me.  

There was also an incident where someone reappeared in my life, only to disappear again.  Of course that got me thinking, what's the point?  I know that we didn't part on bad terms, things just happened and we lost touch.  But why even get back in contact with me if you don't plan on even saying goodbye when you leave again?  That's something I have a lot of trouble with.  I feel like the people you meet shape who you are.  Everyone you meet has a purpose.  When I've shared an incredible history with someone and they just disappear, I take it personally.  I take it hard.  I cry.  I get upset.  I feel lost.  Just like anyone else, it has happened to me a lot.  I've lost best friends, boyfriends, even family members, for what seems like no reason at all.  I can't fathom how you can share so much of your life with someone and simply move on without feeling it.  I don't know that I will ever find my answers, or if I'll ever be able to do what these people have done.  It will always lay in the back of my mind.  Always.

Finally, there are very few things that scare me like seeing my dad cry.  I can count on one hand the number of times it's happened, and most of those I can't even remember what was going on.  This weekend was one of those times.  I was reminded that I'm not the only one who misses the people we've lost.  Three in particular, I miss Every. Single. Day.  I took every loss much harder than one could imagine.  I felt like I was an awful granddaughter/niece/whatever.  I wasn't allowed to attend one of the funerals.  My grandfather died a week after I left him sick in a Hospice.  My "uncle cousin" died without me fulfilling a last promise to him.  I struggle with all this.  All the time.  My grandpa has been sick my whole life, I wouldn't have changed a thing except being there.  I feel like a failure.  Like there's nothing I've done since then that he'd be proud of.  I still don't know what I can do to make it up to him.  

This week is going to be rough.  It's just begun, but I'm hoping it will be over soon.  Until then, I'll just have to take more pretty pictures of pretty things. :)  Thanks for sticking around, if you did.  I know I was way to personal and kind of vague at the same time.  I'm sorry for that.  It really does help to talk it out!  

Thanks for stopping in... 


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